she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
