I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
