i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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