I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
