Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
