Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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