Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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