im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
