Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
