I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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