Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
