I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
