I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
