I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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