I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
