New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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