She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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