i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
