you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
