No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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