You made me cry and you don't even care
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
