so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
