I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
