i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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