I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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