i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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