I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
