just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
