Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
