I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
