Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
