Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
