I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
