I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
