i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
