For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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