There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
