nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
time to smoke my breakfast
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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