You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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