My liver just broke up with me...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
