No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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