he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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