...so i touched it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
