I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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