3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
