Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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