highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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