Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
