If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize