How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
