Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
