Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
