Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
