4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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