I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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