New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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