I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
