I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
