Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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